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Michele Mendoza

"you can't touch up perfection"

Published over 1 year ago • 2 min read

"Confirmation bias is twisting the facts to fit your beliefs. Critical thinking is bending your beliefs to fit the facts. Seeking the truth is not about validating the story in your head."

-Adam Grant


I showered, wrapped my wet hair in a bun at the top of my head, and sprayed some hairspray in a scattered motion. Quickly I rubbed a little tinted moisturizer on my face, added a crimp to the lashes, and walked out of the bathroom, saying, “well, this is as good as it’s gonna get today.”

I was in a hurry to get out of the house, but when I realized I had forgotten my makeup bag, I came running back inside and said as I ran past my husband, “just in case I need to touch up.”

Without skipping a beat, he said, “you can’t touch up perfection.”

I grabbed the bag, slowed down, and peeked my head from behind the wall, “where’d you get that pickup line? Sounds like you stole it straight out of a Hallmark card.” (At this point, if your jaw dropped because of what a horrible person I sound like, I don’t blame you one bit, but please keep reading).

To which he quickly fought back, “Damn it, Michele. That was original material. I made it up all by myself.”

We both laughed because that’s just the kind of relationship we have. He is sweet and sappy, and I’m the cynical one, always poo-pooing on his compliments (it sounds more f-ed up than it really is, I promise).

Anyways, while driving, I couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it was for him to say that. It was actually just what I needed to hear that particular morning, but at the moment, I brushed it off like it meant nothing to me.

Why do we do that? Why do we have such a difficult time hearing good things about ourselves?

It’s a thing called confirmation bias, and it’s messed up, really.

Let me explain.

Confirmation bias is when we seek out information that supports our existing beliefs, opinions, and values and ignore or dismiss information that contradicts or challenges them. (ie. dismissing a kind compliment with a snarky comment back)

What happens is that we give more weight to information that confirms what we already believe and discredit information that contradicts it.

Tell me you don’t also give more weight to a negative comment than a positive one. We all do. Because it reaffirms the negative beliefs we have about ourselves. If someone were to say, “you look tired today.” Guaranteed, I would give that comment more energy than a sweet comment from my husband, and then I’d proceed to wallow in that comment 100x over.

Told you it was messed up.

We say we want positivity, but we actually create our own shield against it sometimes.

I know with certainty that the narrative in my mind is often that of me not being good enough, not being fit enough, not being pretty enough, and the worst thing about that belief is that if given enough energy, it actually will become my reality.

So here’s the thing, like so many other things in life, after we have become aware of something, it is our job to work to change what isn’t serving us.

So, today, I am focusing on the fact that my husband thinks I’m perfect.

What are you going to focus on?

Peace, love & progress,

Michele

p.s. I’d love to hear what that’s going to be for you. 👉Just pick one thing you recognize might be more about your confirmation bias than actual reality and share it with me. 👈 Sometimes, it’s simply the process of writing it out that helps us the most.

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Michele Mendoza

I help empower women to cultivate emotional maturity to develop a greater sense of self, build healthier relationships and develop the skills to navigate life’s most difficult challenges through workshops, community, and coaching. Follow along and join the ride…better every day: small steps, big progress. Join my online community here 👇

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